Around 6:15 pm I sat down and decided that I had gone way too long without spending time with my creator and that for the next 45 minutes I would let God open up my heart and pour his words and whatever he wanted me to hear. As I started the podcast on my itunes I didn't know what I was in for, a pastor was speaking soon his words soon became not the voice of him but of God speaking directly to me ear to ear and face to face.. and as the voice became more apparent and recognizable I slowly drifted off into haunting memories of the past. All these memories so faint at first but then so lucid started to make my heart pump faster and faster, and as the intensity of the words grew it felt as though my skin was being cut into so the words could seep into my body and intertwine the bones constructed in me until they stretched and wrapped around my heart only so it could be then be tugged at. Suddenly I became discouraged out of my mind as felt as though I was not worthy or capable to complete anything this world had to offer anymore. But, that's when it hit me, that I am some one who has dwelled in a burden since Jr.high school, and have not yet let the grace of God set it free of my one past failure that occurred in Jr.. high; It's from this one failure I have only been living which as only led me to see personally the mistake that I had made that one day in that one semester happened to effect my efforts somewhat in high school years but I think more so my first Jr. college year.
The question that soon came about in my mind as God's differing words still seemed to keep creeping up and down my spine was, "What is it in the world that demands me of my existence?" In other words what drives me to keep going on living life in this corrupted world? Through this whole thought process I didn't just recollect the hideous memories in my mind of me not doing well in jr. high education, it also broke my innermost burden of restlessness that corrupts/burdens my mind subconsciously taking over my thoughts of not fully having the trust in that God will make my paths clear. You see, I have two choices I can either overcome my failure or look at my failure as pervasive and permanent ; in one choice it defines action and in the other it defines me as a person.
In hebrews chapter 10 it says in verse 35
35So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 you need to persevere so when you have done the will of God, you receive what he has promised. 37 For just in a little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. 38 But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."
When I read this honestly my initial reaction was shit. I was like well, God is not going to be please with me..nope not one bit. But, as I read on I was surprised to what I found.
v.39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but are those who believe and are saved.
Wait what, I'm not one that will shrink back? Because, I'm pretty sure I feel like I do that all the time. But, no I have got it all wrong. I heard God tell me this, 'that was who your WERE, you may have done all these failures in the past, but you are not one that will slope down and dwell in the past, no you are one that will always look ahead because you Nina, believe in me and I am in your life and you know I will pick you up when you are down.'
hebrews 12
12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and week knees. 13 "Make levels and paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Though, I am doing alright now in school I have been coping and struggling with discouragement from past memories, and my study habits were stagnant and not productive. From a previous semester I managed to get a D a class, that I am now in the process of making up. It's taking me an extra semester to transfer to a state/university school because of not only the extra class but lack of motivation and feeling sorry for myself (selfishness).This is really hard for me to admit, because I tend to not like the reflect on the past and bring up things that people will judge immensely which is again self consciousness and pride.
This concept though of God trusting us with our feeble arms and weak knees and make level paths on with weight of our soles of our feet so the lost and disabled are able to find healing through our faith; and that the world needs us to get out of our weakness and fear so that the lame will no longer be disabled but healed from your faith, has definitely broken me into pieces as to that I've been stuck in a rut of fear and pervasiveness and it's carried on for years. It's funny how you subconsciously know something is not right, but it takes you awhile to actually comprehend and/or grasp the initial substance of it and then to take to free it off your mind.
I don't want to be one of worry, distress, or discouraged my prayer is to turn my doubt in faith; my despair in to hope; and my cynicism into optimism.
To Except that yes failures are bound to come my way, but from them pick myself up again and pursue the dreams that God has for me so that the blind can see.
