The road to real.

moving on from the past is probably one of the hardest things to let go of, especially when you are so fond of it. but, i have learned a few things though:

-keep focusing of the bigger picture: pursuing God's kingdom, your passions, your goals; taking note of what makes you stumble and recognize you decided to be selfish instead of selfless. i hate when that happens.

-letting God transform you to loving others more than yourself. by being jesus' hands and feet is healing.

-the past has made you stronger and more capable of overcoming obstacles in the future.

-that tears bring me to my knees, and they aren't signs of weakness but signs of strength and restoration to the one who created me.

-we all have shit that needs to be forgiven and to look at myself before I judge others.

-Once you change your ways and mindset to things above, God will speak through you so His light will shine.

-You will have days of reminiscing and temptation that may knock louder once you give it up to God.

I can sit here pondering about a million things, but find myself only thinking about one. that one thing is a separation from God I encountered. God doesn't cause guilt, so my guilt is from Satan, and Satan is really good at guilt tripping me. eff that, Satan you suck. hello God, thank you for your patience with me though I treat you like dirt sometimes. God, please continue pouring truth in my life, so i can see, speak, and hear only that is of you. help me let go, keep being passionate about these amazing opportunities arising, and keep trusting in you. Forgive me for my ways. AMEN.

Psalms 25: D not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.

broken

sometimes I want to scream, because of the lack of respect and focus I give to God and his people.

I've found it is so easy to take advantage and treat the ones closest to you like shit. this is where i'm at..and I'm confessing.

My relationship with God, has been descent..always can be better. But, honesty my relationship with my parents through God...has not been settling for awhile.  seriously, i disregard my parents without a doubt, don't show Christ love to them very often, and don't spend the time I always think about spending with them...with them. I feel like a effin failure daughter. I have no excuse. I love God and he calls us to respect our parents.  Though I love my parents and am so grateful for them, it takes a lot out of my to show them my appreciation, this has been an ongoing probably from since I can remember.  I'm still wondering why it is so hard for me to show grace and humility towards them. they do so much for me, and yet I say "thank you" and move on. yes, I know selfish right? so much so.  God's given me a lot a great safe family, financial support, family support, and MORE but yet, i act like a freakin' brat and instead of using what is given for God's glory I find myself being lazy in it and just sitting on my ass. I'm broken. God, help me love you with all my heart, and find peace in you and that's all. In Him great things branch out to a more stable honoring life. that's it. i now owe my parents an apology.

that's not it.

fish- are things you desire momentarily/what's comfortable.

fish in my life:

-success and failure

-afraid to show my parents how much I really love them

-some other things.

I pray I let go of all that I'm sacred of even if that means risk. 

not to shhhabbbby

I drove all the way to Cupertino for my History class just to find out it was cancelled so I drove back home and I went to the gym. 

the gym consisted of:

Running.

Abs.

Arms.

Talking to Jake and Daniel

OH GYM HOW I LOVE YOU! I really working on getting toned arms and and nice calves.

OH MY GOSH! CAN I JUST SAY...there's this trainer at the gym and he has the most BEAUTIFUL calves I have ever seen.  I'm so jealous and catch myself countlessly staring at them.  I've been meaning to ask him what he does but I'm to scared because whenever I see him he always looks like he's glaring.  I think that's just his natural facial expression..and he probably doesn't intend it to come off that way to others..but it's still a bit intimidating.  ANYWHO, I really want calves like his..except girlier. 

OH YEAH, and there was this blonde chick at the gym who had the nicest ripped arms ever..so I decided I wanted to have ripped arms too. I just thought I should share.  lets see how I do carrying this plan out.  that's all for today  I just am going to spend some alone time with my creator now and get some homework finished.  have a great night :)

reluctance..DAMN

reluctant on:

-doing my UC personal statement/Biola Essay

-Writing my papers for my deaf events plus orientation event for ASL

-going to the gym 6 days a week

I'm just sitting waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen:

wow and the semester/quarter is coming to an end. I'm so great at school..NOT

late night chats lead to good night sleeps.

I won't leave use real names in this. So lets just say Eggie is this persons name.  

so this is EGGIE: aka PINKY

 

I got home on Monday afternoon from Socal after spending an amazing weekend with some brothers and sisters in Christ.  On Monday after getting back I attended my World History class which I had a test in.  I think I may have done well although I feel as though I could have spent more time in preparing for it.  I got home around 9:30 and spent time with the Creator which was amazing and then did some dishes.  I looked down at my phone and realized I had some missed calls.  Missed calls from who?? Yes, Eggie.  Hesitant but willingly I called him back.  I knew I should talk to him anyway.  We discussed a few CAS U AL things at first then the question of, "How are you?" came up.  

Side note: I'm not a big fan of when guys ask that question implying it too themselves. basically asking, "How are you in relations to getting over me?", or "How are you in terms of your feeling towards me?" ALRIGHT. But boys will be boys.

This is probably the first time I let out my full feelings I was motioning through at that time.  I basically told him how it was 'hard for me to see him on Sunday and church and hang out with him, because I still like him.'  The hardest part of liking him was because of this factor for me I feel as though I am not as great of friends as we used to be.  Sunday I was with my two besties and I missed being like them..just looking at Eggie as a bro in Christ and close friend.  I was frustrated with the situation.  I broke down crying which I felt bad about because Eggies always told me he never wanted me to cry over it.  But, I did I'm surprised that side of my came out in front of him.  Eggies is a good listener, as I vented and a great responder too very truthful and honest.  So all that happened and I got it out of my system.  The next day I was pretty emotional too but felt better by the end of the day.  (Freakin girls and their emotions).

I think one of the hardest things for me is having to wait patiently as we rebuild our relationship.  Eggies is a good guy but I know though there's obvious struggle with this whole thing now future wise in the bigger light this stuff doesn't even matter.  Besides the learning aspect of it.  I pray that this healing process will continue and I rejoice in God continually through it for all he has done for me.  

Eggies is such an amazing guy but there's something thing I just don't quite understand..though two people can have very similar passions and drives doesn't mean they are a match made in heaven.  There's hella people out there..I won't settle for less. Through this journey I will meet so many new people and maybe even my husband.  If Eggies and my paths cross later on in life well that's up in the air, but that expectation is not one that thoughts should be based off.  Nope, it's looking ahead to the prize with our personal savior Jesus Christ.  Through Him who gives me strength I am persevering ahead and don't want to fixate on the past.  Good-bye Eggies for now. 

end point:

You've been stubbornly hanging onto the wheel. God's been asking you over and over, "Isn't it time you let Me drive?" You'll get so much farther so much faster if you do. You'll crash if you don't. Isn't it time you pull over and finally let the Lord have the wheel?

-gospel.com 

my day in a Jiffy

so I'm trying this new thing called patience...so when I'm driving by myself if I am behind a slow car my instinct reaction would be to drive around the person, but instead I am now staying behind the person(s). so far it sucks haha but hopefully I'll get there.

Well, today was another beautiful sunny day, with the sunshine waking me up as it rays over my skin get brighter and brighter as they stretch up to my eyelids seeping through my eyelids to the cornea as its brightness blinds me when I finally open my eyes.

Too bad it was my alarm that woke me up as always. Today was a good day. I woke up at 10:30am and just laid in my cozy sheets for probably 20 minutes or so pondering and thinking about an array of thoughts and feelings of life and where I am right now. I finally get up and decide I should start getting ready for my 11:45 class (Psychology). Sitting, in class today we are talking about conformity and why we all at some point eventually conform to our peers around us. We came to the conclusion of not wanting to be ridiculed or rejected as well as often times we look to our peers or people around us for answers if we are in a state or unsureness. OK honestly..today in pscyh I wasn't really paying too much attention because I was tired and so that's all that I got out of class.

After I got called into work...I told them I could only stay for 3 hours. SO there I am at work making some drinks, laughing super loud, and just having a blast..but that three hours when by super fast..so I'm not going to lie leaving was a bit sad today because it's almost like I wanted to stay longer..ewe what? cute huh?

I left and went to Ohlone to help out with a workshop they put on for incoming people who may attend community college in the summer or fall or 09. Um so they asked me to be a leader for this so I said sure, but didn't even know what I was supposed to do. SO I get there 20 minutes early and they handed us these slide packets that we're supposed to go over with our group. SO that was that I got my group of highschoolers and started talking with them about PLAN A,B and C and transferring and goals etc. My group consisted of 5 people and they weren't very talkative but as the time progressed the opened up. THey were all super nice people and it shocked me that every single one knew what they wanted to do with life. THey knew what they wanted to major in!!!! I was thinking too myself, "WHAT?!?!? I just figured out my major!!" But I thought that was really awesome to see that these kids were thinking ahead for their future. The program ended and they got my number so if they had questions they could call. it was tyte.

After I hit up Bay Street and started on my 10 page paper that's due thursday. So far, I have my introductory paragraph and my outline. The outline which is what I worked on all tonight took me 3 hours to do and was exhausting but now that that's done with it seems like such a relief because now I know for sure about where and when I'm using what resources and material I've been collecting for the past couple months. I'm praying to God, I'm able to finish this paper by Tuesday night so I can edit on WEdnesday. After Bay street I crept home 12amishnerishner and made me a fruit salad.

Now here I find myself spoon filling some jiffy peanut butter into my mouth and blogging about life rather than finishing my sociology homework. yay for that...but really I need to finish it before 2 am at least so I think this is me simply saying good-bye, "GOODBYE."